One of the oddest aspects of extreme grief is the loss of all security in your circumstances — and yet the nearly tangible reality of the security one has in Christ’s love. As much as the pain was excruciating, I sometimes look back on the confidence and security I had during my worst months with longing. Having lost everything that once brought you joy, you find real, true joy in Christ alone. I remember one day in April as I barely could take the next step for the day, a dear friend told me, “You are more beautiful right now than anyone I’ve ever known. When I see you I only see Jesus.”
And yet slowly as life begins repairing itself and old wounds begin to heal, my fickle heart quickly begins to search for security and hope in my surroundings. I stop looking to Jesus in that same raw and utterly dependent way. I get out of the habit of prayer as a constant dialogue and His Word as my only lifeline to sanity. And as I begin to look to other things I find that they are unable to satisfy or give me the assurance that I’ll never be hurt again, I find myself spiraling again into discontentment, disappointment, and fear.
Oh my fickle heart, why do you settle for drinking water from mud puddles when the source of all Living Water is available?
I want a person to make me feel desired. I want a person to assure me that I’ll never be left again. I want a person to make me feel secure, safe, and that every promise they make will be kept to the fullest. I want a person to make me feel beautiful, valuable, and desired. And you know what? One already has. Completely, perfectly, and utterly.
As I found myself fearing future rejection, my mom reminded me of that all important truth. “Jesus is as obsessed with you as you want a man to be.” I nodded my head through tears and thought, “I know.” But, soul? You are so forgetful. You do know, but you need to be reminded. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Last spring I sang that song every night to my daughter, usually through tears, hit with the weight of Jesus immense love for me. And yet the phrase barely makes a dent on my heart these days.
So I pray for myself Paul’s prayer to the Ephesians. “I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”
This is where my security lies. In the incredible and unfathomable love of Jesus. People will fail. My own desires with deceive me. Circumstances will change and are unstable. But Jesus. He is for me and he is constant. My hope is in him.